First date hell

I woke up week ago to read some retweets from one of my all-time favourite tweeps, the Independent’s Rhodri Marsden. He had mentioned a disastrous first date in 2002 (I’ve just walked past the Firefly, where I went on a date in 2002 that was so bad I heard myself say “So, what’s Wigan like, then?”) and his followers had started to respond with their own. This 140-character courtship summaries were cringe-worthy, hilarious, offensive and extraordinary. As I read over them before work I was literally crying with laughter.

It got me thinking about my own horrendous dating experiences — the German who took two of the cans of beer that he had brought to my flat the previous night but not drunk home with him in the morning; the one whose black satin sheets made me attempt a getaway while he was in the bathroom — only for me to discover that I needed his special key fob to get out and sheepishly return, and the tall guy I used to send “did you get my text?” texts to. Despite all of these excruciating moments, there is one dalliance that stands out. It’s the one I tell at dinner parties, and I summed it up in a tweet to Rhodri thusly:

@rhodri A date met me with a mix cassette tape (in 2005) of him MC-ing to hard house. He did observational “freestyle” rap all evening”

Mr Marsden deemed my tweet sufficiently hellish to include it as part of his “choice selection” of 30 in his Indepedent article. You can check out the full range of Crap Dates here.

Here are some of my faves:

@rhodri One gentleman took me to the pub car park to show me his motorbike. He revved it for about ten minutes then did a lap and drove off (from @roxannelawin)

@rhodri Guy came to get me in his new Porsche. Before I got in, he put a towel on my seat because “girls can sometimes be sweaty down there (from @the_moviegoer)

@rhodri Whilst on a date with my friend, the guy had a phone call and said ‘about 7’ then pretended it was the ppl he’d interviewed that day (from @existentialyes)

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Categories: News, Weird

Author:Olivia Solon

Freelance writer and editor specialising in new technologies, culture, media and marketing, design and animal-themed t-shirts.

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